First of all, shout out to all the guys that I’ve ever “talked to” in my life. For what it’s worth, at the time you made me laugh, smile, dream and each of you taught me something I will never forget. But this article is not about you. Ladies, it’s about us.
When I picture the man I am to marry (the man that God has for me and the man that God has me for), I always picture someone who is “a character.” A character in the sense that he is not like anyone I have ever met; he’s just someone who has a way about him. I picture someone who does not easily blend in, whether physically, mentally or spiritually. Yet, somehow I end up “talking to” guys who are just the opposite. I ask myself why that is. You know what I came up with? All of these dudes had a little something that women like to cling to called potential.
You know what? The truth is every guy has “potential.” Some have greater potential than others. But the sad truth to go along with that is that many of them are also fools. Now before you go on to think that fool is such a harsh word, don’t forget that the Bible qualifies what is meant by fool. Here are some examples…
Psalms 14:1 The fool says in his heart, there is no God…
Proverbs 12:15 The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice…
I think a great biblical example of a fool was Esau. Classic fool. He has many sons today. Do you know Esau? Esau was a man in the Bible who exchanged an invaluable gift for an appetizer to satiate a temporary sensation. More specifically Esau was his father’s first born, but he exchanged his birthright for a bowl of stew because he was hungry. What he really did was forgo long term benefit to fulfill a “right now” desire. Sound familiar? Like I said, “Classic.”
There are so many fools with potential walking around. So how do you avoid the classic case of being all wrapped up in the potential, forgetting that it is wrapped up in a fool?
There is nothing per say wrong with potential, but you see, potential is risky. There is no guarantee that potential will ever materialize. Many people are born, live and die with potential inside of them that never matured or manifested. Where women go wrong is that they try to pull that potential out of the wrong persons.
Why does it work for some and not for others?
It only works when the man makes a decision to grow. Ladies, I have learned that you cannot make a man do anything unless he wants to or unless he wants to for you. I have also learned that there is nothing a woman can do or be to gain the interest of someone that is not meant for her. If someone is for you, you won’t have to do anything. You won’t have to jump through hoops. What’s yours is just yours.
So why do we do this, ladies? Why do we beat our heads against a wall? Why do cry, why do we stress, why do we eat or not eat, sleep or not sleep and neglect to deep condition over something or someone that was never meant for us in the first place?
See that’s the pill you don’t want to swallow, right? You’re into someone that wasn’t meant for you. Steve Harvey said that every man will change (a.k.a. step up), but only for one woman. I think he’s right. So stop calling him a dog. He is not a dog (well maybe he is lol), but the deeper truth is just that he was never yours. You were never his. If he was then you would see that potential grow into something beautiful right before your eyes because you are the double oh to his seven (007, get it? lol).
Let it go. Let him go. Stop being sad, thank God! If those situation-ships ever worked out, you would not be open and available for the exclusive, committed, fun and loving relationship that’s yours and that you deserve.
This is not meant to be an article that bashes anyone, because I realized that everyone is going through a process. The truth is we walk into each other’s lives at different stages of our respective journeys. Once I realized that, it made it easier to forgive. It dawned on me that just as I am not the person I was five years ago, in a few years, neither will those dudes. Everyone is going through a process, everyone is growing and changing- so forgive and live. However, I want to leave you with some words of wisdom that I had to learn the hard way:
- Don’t fall for potential
It is a good thing to see potential or good in others. But just because you see potential in a guy, does not mean that he is your future husband and you should be his help mate. Pump your brakes. I say that in the most loving way. No, but seriously, for your own good, pump the brakes. You better be friends with him until you see that potential grow into something else. Do not fall for what he can be, fall for who he is.
- Learn to assess the stage that a man is at in his life
Like I mentioned before we are all on a journey and we are all in different stages of our journey. If you are at a different point in your life, it will be very difficult to allow yourself to trust or submit to his leadership. Make no mistake, men should lead. If he is in no position to lead you…friend zone!
- Don’t assume that just because a man approaches you that his intentions are pure
I believe that men assess women before they approach them. Of course, there are guys who see you on the street when your twist out is popping just right and come up to you whooping and hollering. Insert eyes rolling here. Ignore that! Some men will assess you and realize they are not ready to approach you or they have nothing to offer you so they will not approach. Ladies, do not approach a man that is not approaching you. He is not approaching you for a reason. It does not matter how shy he is. If you are for him, he will approach you! If he is not that actually means that he respects you and he is not trying to mess up your life. Respect him for that and live your life. However, beware of those who know they are not ready, but approach you anyway. That means he actually has no respect or regard for you. More than likely you are a game to him and he is looking for something to prove. Assess the intentions of your approach-er carefully.
- Check for patterns
No one can keep up with pretense forever. Eventually you will see his spots. Before you do and while you are assessing, make sure you guard your heart diligently. Words can be misleading, actions can also be misleading, but look out for patterns! They never lie! Keep your eyes and ears open and stay woke. Nine times out of ten, it is NOT your mind playing tricks on you. It is your heart warning you. Trust it, bellas.
- Stay prayed up
Whenever someone new comes into your life, it is either of God or of the devil (lol). It may sound extreme, but it’s true. Relationships are powerful. They either set us on track or knock us completely off track. You need to be very mindful of who you allow to get close to you. Sometimes, it is hard to really see what is going on when you are in the euphoric state of meeting someone new. In this case, you must rely on the Holy Spirit to show you the truth. Stay prayed up. Fast if you have to. Your life, your heart, your health, your sanity and your future depend on it.
Know yourself. If you know that talking to someone awakens your feelings for them then don’t. Be careful about the information you share and who you share it with. Not all men are qualified or mature enough to handle information about you or your feelings. Guard your heart. If the friend zone is too risky, put him in the “say hi whenever I see you zone.”
Know yourself. Guard your heart. Trust God. The right one is coming.